The Duel

by Eugene Field (1850-1895)

The gingham dog and the calico cat
Side by side on the table sat;
'T was half-past twelve, and (what do you think!)
Nor one nor t' other had slept a wink!
      The old Dutch clock and the Chinese plate
      Appeared to know as sure as fate
There was going to be a terrible spat.
            (I wasn't there; I simply state
            What was told to me by the Chinese plate!)

The gingham dog went "Bow-wow-wow!"
And the calico cat replied "Mee-ow!"
The air was littered, an hour or so,
With bits of gingham and calico,
      While the old Dutch clock in the chimney-place
      Up with its hands before its face,
For it always dreaded a family row!
            (Now mind: I 'm only telling you
            What the old Dutch clock declares is true!)

The Chinese plate looked very blue,
And wailed, "Oh, dear! what shall we do!"
But the gingham dog and the calico cat
Wallowed this way and tumbled that,
      Employing every tooth and claw
      In the awfullest way you ever saw---
And, oh! how the gingham and calico flew!
            (Don't fancy I exaggerate---
            I got my news from the Chinese plate!)

Next morning, where the two had sat
They found no trace of dog or cat;
And some folks think unto this day
That burglars stole that pair away!
      But the truth about the cat and pup
      Is this: they ate each other up!
Now what do you really think of that!
            (The old Dutch clock it told me so,
            And that is how I came to know.)

So, this morning, in black and white on my computer screen was a question.  The author wanted to know if it is normal for sisters to squabble.  She wanted to know how to make it stop.

It was a good question.  The answer to the first part . . .super easy!  Yes, sisters fight!

The answer to the second part of the question was not so easy to answer.

I think you have to figure out WHY the kiddos are fighting before you can figure out how to stop it.  Are they just bored?  Well, then, that’s pretty easy to solve.  Go be in separate rooms or stop fighting.  That’s all there is to it.  My ears can’t take it anymore, and you need a sane mother.  End of the story.

Now, if there is another reason they are fighting . . . well, that has to be addressed.

Common reasons for fighting:

1.       Somebody does not feel well.  Maybe someone needs some quiet time or a snack.

2.       Somebody feels that they are being treated unfairly.

3.       Somebody is frustrated and needs a help, not a critic.

4.       Somebody is being provoked.

So, some of these are easy fixes and some aren’t.

1.       Give the kiddos some space and a snack!  Get that blood sugar up.

2.       Remind them of the Golden Rule.  “Do to others as you would have them do to you.”  Teach them how to apologize.  Look the other person in the eye.  Say “I am sorry I did ______.  I won’t do it again.  Will you forgive me?”  The other person needs to look back and accept the apology.  I make my kiddos hug, too.  I am well aware that someday my children are going to grow up, and they are probably going to get married and it will be very good for them AND their spouses if they can admit when they were wrong and learn to apologize.  Teach them not hold onto a grudge.  Once an issue is dealt with, bringing it up again and again only makes trouble for all involved.

3.       When you've got a frustrated child, and another one who is either amused by or critical of his/her  frustrated sibling, remind the "perfect" child of the Golden Rule.  Remind the critic that everybody needs a help sometimes, and how would you like to be helped if you needed some help?  Let’s use our “nice” voices, not our “snappy” voices.  It’s fun to over exaggerate being nice and being snappy and get people laughing over this.  I’ve had to apologize for my own snappiness and let the kids know that I am ON PURPOSE being nice, even though sometimes it is easier to be irritable.

4.       Remind the provoked person to use words instead of hitting or getting angry.  And if they use nice words, the other person needs to honor that.  I’ll say to my kiddos, “Okay, T has asked you nicely not to sing any longer.  Now if you asked him something nicely, what would you want him to do?”  They understand this concept really well.

Tonight at dinner I’m going to give them a couple more basic tools:

Use “I” statements, instead of “you” statements.  For example, “I feel bad when you take my stuff without asking.” 

Also, let’s not say get in the habit of saying “NEVER” or “ALWAYS”, because it is very rarely true that some is “ALWAYS” or “NEVER”  a certain way.

We are going to disagree with the people in our lives, but we don’t want to be like the Gingham Dog and the Calico Cat.

Life is so much sweeter when we treat people the way we want to be treated.  Why not live our lives like that?

~ Jenn